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Spoof about Absurdity of Hospitals for Normal Births

High Risk Sex

Anytown, USA - The American Medical Organization has strongly condemned Susan and John Eros for their insistence upon having sexual intercourse in their own home, and has initiated legal action. The AMO pointed out that several hundred people have died this year while engaging in "home sex". According to the AMO, these deaths might have been prevented were it not for the "back to basics" home sex movement championed by the Eroses. The AMO contended that sexual activity in the home or any place other than in a hospital is hazardous to the health of individuals and society, and elaborated on the following points to support that claim:

 
1. Venereal diseases could be eradicated if people would adhere to the hospital sex procedures, which have been clinically tested and proven safer than home sex.
2. Sex should only be performed on the specially designed tables provided in hospitals. These tables have been shown to reduce the incidence of overstraining, particularly in the heart diseased, the obese, and the elderly. (In regard to sexual matters, the AMO has defined "elderly" as over 35, particularly if the female in question wishes to conceive.)
3. Heart disease patients should NEVER have sex unless they are closely monitored by EKGs to determine whether the sex is becoming too strenuous.
4. It has been determined that, in the heat of sexual excitement, most people are not capable of making sound medical or health-related decisions; hence the necessity for medical intervention.

Susan and John Eros, leaders in the Home Sex Movement, have contested the AMO's assertions, pointing out that sex need not be viewed as a medical problem. They noted that many people find hospital sex too impersonal, too technical, and too oriented toward the convenience of the doctor rather than the "patients". The Eroses cited, for example, a case in which one couple was not ready for orgasm; however, since it was getting late, the doctor (on emergency call) artificially induced orgasm. The Eroses also mentioned examples of drugged hospital sex; in these instances, anesthetic ointment was placed on the genitals - against the patients' wishes - "to slow things down", either to eliminate interference on the EKG monitors or, in the case of cardiovascular patients. because heart rates were getting "dangerously high".

The Eroses pointed out that the bright lights and the intercourse tables are "unnatural" and that they are not conducive to either comfort or procreation. "Furthermore", stated the Eroses, "the hospital practice of separating partners immediately after sex is contrary to what research suggests is desirable in the area of bonding and touching". The Eroses argued that mandatory hospital sex is costly, largely unnecessary, and biased, since only male-female sex is permitted and the intercourse tables are designed specifically for the male-superior position.

The Eroses have also taken issue with the following aspects of "automatic" hospital sex:

 
1. Many couples have been refused admittance to hospitals because they did not have their marriage licenses.
2. Health insurance does not cover hospital sex for any reason other than procreation.
3. Often couples are kept in the pre-orgasm rooms for hours because the orgasm rooms are full.
4. Many of the more modern hospitals discourage the presence of the male in the orgasm room, contending that artificial insemination is a more efficient means for procreation and that the male only gets in the way; instead, they prefer that males confine themselves to the automanipulation rooms provided.
5. The AMO has succeeded in outlawing precoitus training in all but 5 states, charging that teachers of precoitus classes were practicing medicine without a license and endangering the lives of students.